IC surveys worth taking.
24 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Chronic Pelvic Pain, IC, IC awareness month, Interstitial Cystitis, Interstitial Cystitis/IC Tags: IC, IC Surveys, IC-Network, Interstitial Cystitis, Jill Osborne, Painful bladder syndrome, surveys, tali keteri
Interstitial Cystitis related surveys.
Go here…check em out. Take em all. Help gather some valuable info that may help us out in the long run.
Big thanks to the IC-Network for compiling all of them together in one place.
A hiatus well deserved if I may say so myself…and I just so happen to say so…myself.
24 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Chronic Pelvic Pain, IC, Interstitial Cystitis, Interstitial Cystitis/IC, MTV True Life, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, relationships, Vulvodynia Tags: Blog, derek smith, engagements, happiness, Health, Humor, icramblings, MTV, Pelvic floor dysfunction, People, shitshow, tali, tali from true life, tali keteri, taliverse, True Life
I have always been a pretty humble individual. Never one for rubbing shit in people’s faces or trapsing around flaunting shiny new things all over the town..mostly because I really don’t like to make people feel like shit but also because I never really had too much to rub in people’s faces in the first place. The way I always looked at it is that someone is always better at something that someone else…and someone else is always worse at something than the next person. The truth is, we are all good at our own things and we all suck at our own things. It’s a matter of how we react to each person’s differences that make us the king of douchbagastan or a generally understanding person. It can really go either way. I always chose to not run around screaming about the things I was good at….unless it was talking or any other form of word vomit that comes out of my face. That I will claim and run around doing… Always. Clearly….Have you met me?
I can’t help it.
But where I’m going with this is that I don’t know if I’ve ever been so unbelievably proud of something that I felt I had to run around and tell everyone about it. Some may call me out on that one and say that I blabbed about the MTV show, and I did. But, it wasn’t for the purpose of bragging about my own experience on that one…it was a matter of trying to get money raised for IC organizations and people to recognize that these conditions do , in fact, exist. So with that being said, there really hasn’t been much that I’ve enjoyed rubbing in people’s faces. I also have a really hard time expressing happiness around those who are having a really hard time at the moment. I feel that even though the people who are going through shitshows may love you dearly and support you they don’t really want to hear about what’s going good in your life. Not because they don’t care but because it’s too hard for them to deal with right then… It’s not a dick move and it’s not because they secretly hate you. It’s just that at the end of it all we’re all human and shit hurts. We get jealous. We tend to resent. We sometimes even go so far as to subconsciously wish bad on others who are having a good go of things. Some of you may sit here and say that people that do this are assholes. That the jealous, resenting, ill wishers aren’t real friends or don’t care about anyone but themselves, but the truth is that sometimes a good person has so much bad shit happen to them that at the end of the day their heart is still in tact but every emotion that can still find its way out of the brain and into the world is a bitter jaded bitch. It’s unfortunate. It’s unintentional. And it’s really hard to have an aspect of your life fuck up every single day without getting a single moment of downtime to catch up, process the shitshow, learn how to deal, and get over it before the next round of giardia ridden bullshit explodes right into your eyes. I don’t blame people for this. Hell, I’ve done it. I’ve been that person. Maybe that’s why I’m so understanding of the mindset here..whether intentional or totally on purpose. That’s one of the reasons why I’ve been in hiding. Just one. All of you miserable bastards better not go getting your damn hopes up that my hiatus was solely because of your bitterness. There are other reasons involved here as well. I just had to touch on this one first because it’s the one that gets misconstrued the most.
So…
The next “excuse” (cuz i’m sure that’s what you’ll all call it anyway lol) on my list of things to touch base on about why I fell off goes a lil’ somethin like this. I have never been truly happy..and if I was I was too busy wondering when the so called “happy” was going to shit out and die to even realize that I may have been even a lil’ happy because at the end of the day I’m a pessimistic asshole. So therefore, I have never truly been truly happy. Get it? Ok…
This happy shit…new to the Taliverse and it baffles me….Why?
A. I don’t know how to handle it properly.
B. I don’t know if i’m allowed to feel this way… every time I get a bit of happy some other part of the Taliverse falls apart and creates a hole in a parallel universe. My acceptance of good things = a downfall of other things. I’m a jinx to my own life. Always.
C. I’m still not entirely sure my being happy is real. I mean that in a sense of that I’m not sure that I’m not dreaming. Or that it’s not like the movie repo men and I’ve just suffered a massive brain injury by a meat hook and my best friend has hooked me up to a perfect dream system for the rest of my vegetative state and it’s all in my mush brain dream cycle.
D. It’s taking me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I do deserve to be happy and that I shouldn’t feel guilty about it ..Well…shouldn’t feel guilty if I’m really not dreaming and all of this newly found happy shit is real at least.
That last one has to be the hardest. I mean you’ve clearly read the first 2 paragraphs of this lil “hey i’m back” piece (unles you’re one of those fucking weirdos who skips to the middle of an article just to get to the climax…and in that case. you’re a bunch of lazy asshats) and you’ve read that I don’t like to flaunt any newfound happiness around but now on the same hand when I realize that I’m not dreaming and there is some amazing shit going on in my life right now I feel that I do deserve to happy and that I shouldn’t feel guilty talking about it or telling you people why I’ve been missing in action. It’s a hard thing to balance. And, I feel like it makes me seem just a bit hypocritical. I hate that. I truly do. But, I don’t know how else to do it because this is all new to me. I’m learning here…so please try to be just a bit less judgmental than you all usually are.
I guess i’ll just get into where the hell I’ve been…I’ll tell you as much as I can in as little as I can without trying to seem like a cunt-satchel who is rubbing shit in just because I can. What’s been going on in the Taliverse is uber important to me and it’s only fair that I share. Afterall, I never hold back and lord knows that i’m an open book when it comes down to what’s going on and how I really feel about things. Some of you may actually give a shit where I’ve been and some of you could give a fuck less and are just reading on because it’s going to give you something to talk shit about over facebook chat tonight. I don’t care which category you fall in. If you give a shit…thanks. If you don’t…just make sure that you’re shit talking later is up to par. If you’re going to do something…commit fully and be confident in your choice. I hate when people only jump halfway in the pool before screaming their way out because the water was too cold on their ass cheeks. Man up kids. man up.
Here goes.
I fell in love…
I got engaged….
I’m planning a wedding…
And apparently turning into a real girl along the way….
I’m so unbelievably happy I disgust myself….
I’m being selfish in that I spend every extra moment that I can with this man and honestly nothing else really matters right now (except figuring out the new onslaught of medical problems that have plagued my reproductive system) …
I don’t want to think about sad things or bad things or jinxy things or music things or family things or animal things…No time for career things or drama things or laundry things or shower things.
I just want to sit here and freakin’ enjoy being truly happy for once. I want to not feel guilty about it. I’m trying my best to not feel guilty about writing this post but a lil bit still sneaks in there and kicks me right in the jugular for feeling like rubbing it in.
I haven’t been around…I know. Not because I don’t want to be involved anymore. Not because I don’t care about the cause. Not because of blah blah blah . Only because I wanted to sit here and take it all in. Soak up the only good thing going on right now…there are shitshows that hit me every single day but all of a sudden it doesn’t seem so bad anymore because I have someone to share it with. I deserve to enjoy that. After all of the shit that I have had to be the “tough guy” through during my entire life I realize that if all of that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be the person I am now and I wouldn’t have been in the right place at the right time to meet the person I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I would go through absolutely every ounce of shit that I have gone through during the past 15 years over and over again if he was the end result and you’d never hear a complaint out of my mouth (hard to believe I know).
So, I am sorry that I’ve been so neglectful. And I’m sorry if this rubs people the wrong way. But, I’ve been hiding in my happy. Away from anything that could possibly bring that happy down a few notches. I wanted it to stay right at the uber ridiculous happy level it was at. So I hid.
I wish for everyone to find that something that makes them this happy. Whether it be a dog, a book, another human being (no matter the sex). …EVERYONE derserves to be happy. No matter what mistakes you’ve made in your life as long as you’ve accounted for them and acknowledged that you fucked up and tried to rectify.
Afterall, life is about learning from your past and not letting shitty history control your future. It’s a fucking hard thing to do but my god, if you can do it… DO IT and fucking DO IT WELL. It changes everything.
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Smile
06 Feb 2012 1 Comment
in Chronic Pelvic Pain, Interstitial Cystitis, relationships, Therapy Tags: Chronic pain, happy, ic ramblings, Interstitial Cystitis, meg dolla, new, smile, tali, tali keteri, taliverse, universe
Easier said than done I always say. I mean don’t get it twisted..I. do. smile. And it is easy to smile or at least sorta easy to smile. It’s just not easy to always mean it and it’s even harder to find something to smile about when shit always goes wrong. People will sit here and blah blah blah me about how I should try to find the joy in life and think positively but unfortunately all of that just never worked for me in the aspect of dealing with said life. In a chronic pain aspect it helped me tons. Positive thinking also helps with reinforcing positive energy and frequencies that surround your being but it never really helped me to smile during a total shitshow. Cracking jokes about my own misfortune is about the only thing that holds steady in the “make T smile a real smile” category. That and music…. and Meghan..she’s gotten pretty good at dragging a genuine smile out of me (with a meat hook if she has to) in the worst of times. I guess what I’m getting at is that it is totally possible to get a smile out of me but only a few people and situations can get a real one when the Taliverse is about to self implode. That’s just how it goes.
I don’t ever expect amazing things to happen..that way when amazing things don’t happen and shit ends up real bad or just mediocre I am not nearly as disappointed. I can honestly say that every time I do get a glimmer of hope about something, whatever it is manages to destroy itself or disappear before the next time I can blink my eyes and make another bathroom run. It sucks…lots…and I learned a long time ago that I’d much rather just expect the worst and be surprised if it doesn’t end up as bad as I first thought it would than expect too much and be severely traumatized when it ended up being shit. Call me a pessimist…that’s fine. But in all honesty I really don’t think that I would go about changing any of it. The only thing that I would consider changing is how I should be putting myself in better situations and surrounding myself with better people where this smiling thing would better come into play. I’ve tried to master this concept but unfortunately at the end of it all I end up caring entirely too much, letting my emotions play into everything, and putting humans on the superhero pedastal. When you put too many expectations on other humans and they fail miserably you end up “hating” them…and everyone else..and then you only smile when you make the jokes or when someone in your circle actually acts like a human with a heart and drags one out of you. Or when the shitshows subside for just long enough for someone you never expect to sneak in and change everything about everything I just said. Hey…it can happen.
So, onto the point of this lil’ smile-esque rant of mine.
I’m smiling….like really truly smiling. Not forced…or fake or any shit like that but for the first time in a hell of a long time I’m genuinely smiling.
Alot.
Like almost ridiculous amounts of alot.
It hurts.
My face isn’t used to it.
Either is my brain….apparently. I keep getting headaches and getting confused about those constant laughter sounds coming out of mouth.
Everyone else who knows me is confused too…and personally I think they think I’m hitting the laughing gas when no one is around.
It’s funny because I love, love , love, love to laugh like this and it’s funny because I’m trying to get accustomed to the fact that my face is supposed to light up when I smile this much and that I actually look kinda pretty when it does. I guess I got really good at looking pretty without that genuinely happy glow… after all anyone can turn a scowl that meant for the universe into a sexy sorta “i’m badass” sorta pretty. I mastered that one years ago.
It’s been going like this for a week….(6 months if you go by our timeline because we like to skip 23409285209. 789 minus 4 times 2 and a quarter steps) but a week. I’ve been smiling like this for a freakin’ week. Is everything all sugar plums, fairy dust, and green bay packers green n yellow? No. Of course not…but regardless of the shitshows going on all around us….I’m still smiling. I’m not instantly cursing at the universe and her lil’ games because I’m too f’in happy that she gave me a break enough to find someone who makes me feel this way again. I can’t guarantee that if she wants to throw a whole fucktons of shit at me for the next 5 months without a break in between that I won’t scowl at her in the process…but I can say that at least I’ll have someone who can make my face do that funny smiley thing in between plotting her demise.
I guess at the end of the day that’s all anyone can ask for….
I didn’t even have the balls to ask to be just happy…I just hoped.
Thanks universe for not giving me shit for the first time in 2 years. My gratitude for that is unsurpassed….
and for that…I smile right in your face…bitch.
Ok Universe…I’m holding your subsidiary captive until you meet my demands.
22 Jan 2012 3 Comments
in Chronic Pelvic Pain, IC, Interstitial Cystitis, Interstitial Cystitis/IC, Obstacle Racing, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, relationships, Vulvodynia Tags: a rodge, aaron rodgers, chiropractor, doctor who, great dane, Health, IC, kidnapping, Mechanical bull, Neil Gaiman, ood, Pelvic pain, spartan Race, tali, tali keteri, Tempur-Pedic, universe, Weight loss
I want a new body pillow. Preferably a Packers one.
I want to be able to run 7 miles a day, eat healthy, stop drinking, quit smoking, and lose some damn weight. I’ve already managed the first 4 things in that list on my own…help me the hell out with the weight loss…yea?
Lottery. Lots of it. That. Is. All.
New hips. Mine are already destroyed and I need new ones by the age of 30 anyway. Just do it in my sleep when no one is looking.
A tempur pedic mattress. Or a live in chiropractor. Doesn’t matter. Just pick one of them. ok.
A tattoo designed by Neil Gaiman. By midnight tonight.
A 2nd job that I actually make some money at.
A guitarist so that I can sing some gigs down in the village.
5 new bags.
3 more pairs of Brooks Cascadia 6′s.
To get ridiculously ridiculous with A-Rodge, preferably in a bar, with a mechanical bull, a bottle of vodka, spandex pants, and green bay packers fog horns.
A man that is actually a man…and not a raging coward.
A season pass for Spartan Race.
My own radio show.
A harlequin great dane.
An available cure for IC and every other Chronic Pelvic Pain condition.
A stick that I can use to beat every moronic asshole in the universe.
To be Doctor Who‘s companion for the rest of my life and to have an ood sing to me every night when I go to bed..
THAT
IS
ALL.
I trust you’ll start working on this immediately….
k. thanks. bye
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GO PACK GO!
15 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Chronic Pelvic Pain Tags: football, green bay, packers, tali keteri
Packers ready!
My Broken Vagina
15 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Chronic Pelvic Pain, IC, Interstitial Cystitis, Interstitial Cystitis/IC, MTV True Life, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, Vulvodynia Tags: IC, tali, tali keteri, Vagina, Vulvodynia
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Acknowledge your doubts and control your fears.
02 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in relationships Tags: conquering fear, doubt, Fear, icramblings, ramblings of an ic patient, tali, tali keteri
This quote fits this exact moment in my life perfectly.
I’m learning to cast these doubts aside and control my fears….you should to.
Dear 2011….
01 Jan 2012 1 Comment
in relationships Tags: 2011, New Year, new years, new years eve 2011, tali, tali keteri, taliketeri, taliverse
Dear 2011,
Firstly, I would like to thank you for allowing me to survive yet another one of your kind. Sometimes other members of your family make it pretty freakin’ difficult to climb that mountain all the way up to ”peak 365″ before sending us careening carefree down the side with the hill so we can attempt to get a 5 minute breather.
Secondly, we need to have a discussion. A serious one. Neither of us are going to enjoy it but we need to clear the air before we never see each other again. I know you’ve already mentally checked out considering you only have 11.5 hours left and can already picture yourself laying naked on a beach with your mai thai and bong in hand but you’ve gotta do me a solid here and at least listen…even if just for a moment… Cuz honestly kid, I don’t think I can deal with your older sister who arrives by teleportation at midnight if I don’t get some closure from our fucked up relationship. Ya dig? You at least owe me that much. I can assure you that if you cooperate I won’t ever try to contact you, look you up, fb stalk you, tweet at your face, skype your mom, g+huddle the twins, or send a smoke signal by way of an Ent. I’ll simply just leave you alone to live in a memory and we can all get on with our lives. Sound like a plan? Good. I’m glad we finally agreed on something …it only took 364 cycles.
So. ..Here goes nothin’…it’s a lot but it’s important….just try to keep an open mind mm k?
In the beginning we had made a pretty sexy agreement. I was going to work on the positive vibes surrounding my being which in turn would scrap some of the negative bullshit that constantly surrounds the Taliverse and you were going to do your best to not fuck with me every chance you got. It coulda been majestic…but I learned early that you weren’t too good at holding up your end of the bargain when it came to the obscene number of shitshows that you were supposed to help me prevent. Personally, you blew at this game but I didn’t hold it against you. I knew you were still learning and I was more than willing to let you rock out, make mistakes, and teach yourself some shit along the way even if it was at my expense. No hard feelings there at all. I got it…and tried to understand that no matter what unorthodox manner you used to get to where we needed to go…you knew where we needed to end up. I tried to understand this until I no longer understood what I was supposed to understand to begin with..and then it all went to shit…
I know It’s always easier to focus on the negative so I’m going to happily talk about the good things you’ve done for me during your alotted time here before I delve into the plethora of uneducated madness that encompassed the rest of your reign of terror.
You gave me a new roommate and somehow managed to make him just fall right into our laps when we needed a replacement most. Then you gave us another one and the Whitehouse was full once again. It filled a void that desperately needed to be filled.
My bladder also behaved for the most part….most of the time. Mostly.
You gave me boatloads of extra confidence, willpower, strength that I didn’t know I had, my first trip to Ireland, and amazing people from all over the world I can now call my friends and family.
Ya let me make it through the Spartan Race without any major injuries and without my bladder falling out of my vag. That was much appreciated…trust me…I needed something athletic in my life and lord knows I can NEVER turn down a challenge.
I finally got back into the animal care field after all the years of ex bosses and exes doing their best to keep me out of it and managed to keep this job for the rest of your cycle even though all of the shitshows I will speak about later did their best to take me out.
You helped me get back into music for the first time in 5 years….that’s pretty f’in monumental. At least I can say that I wrote enough songs for my solo album during your time. Thanks for that…for real. Here I thought I had thrown in the music towel for good.
You kept the real people who loved me by my side and forced me to let go of the ones that never really gave a shit anyway…I thank you for that now with full understanding of why they had to be ripped from my life.. it’ll never change how many times they cross my mind on a daily basis and how sometimes I forget that it all fell apart as I’m picking up the phone to call them and complain about something petty like I used to do prior to the taliverse apocalypse before I have to hit the “it’s too far gone” wall again and make myself forget they exist once again.
You also let the same kind people protect and care for me when some familiar inner circle asshat roofied my drink and damn near killed me. Thank god nothing else happened..that we know of. Thank god the good ones were there…Thank you for not letting it be worse than it was. You get a gold star for the protection but negative 67 for adding that roofie shitshow to the long list of other ones you were about to throw my way.
You finally gave me the courage to allow a relationship with a man/business partner/ and best friend that has been up my balls for a chance for 10 years. You enabled me to break down my wall…something I said I would never ever ever ever do again and let it happen. I did it…It was perfect…and happy…and productive….until it was counterproductive…and hell…and downright cruel. You then gave me the courage to watch him walk away and turn into someone I never really knew at all and to watch him walk back…and then you gave me the faith in myself to let me walk away. And to build that wall right back up so that no one can ever get back in again. Legend. Epic Legend and Epic f’in fail because with that went the only person I was ever meant to do music with. Ha ha. Good one. Ya greedy freakin number.
You kicked my ass til I was on the ground…and repeated to do so until I was so drained mentally, physically, an emotionally that for the first time in my life I was concerned for my mental stability. You showed us more death this year than should be allowed…more loss than can be accounted for…more debt that can never be repaid unless you somehow shove a winning lottery ticket down my throat and you kept piling more on the plate like you were never concerned that the plate could very well crack. You were so greedy that when the plate did crack you still piled more shit on there and watched it seep through the crack and onto the white carpet and then had the balls to tell me that I ruined the carpet. Ya jerk.
You taught me (reminded me) again (because lord knows your other fam members have taught me this over the cycles as well) that just because someone is comfortable…it doesn’t mean that they will ever treat you how you deserve to be treated and it sure as shit doesn’t mean that they’re ever going to stop loving you either so you can’t bank on loss of feelings as a cop out. It just means that comfortable is comfortable and that usually means ain’t shit gon’ change which also means it ain’t gon work. Chalk it up to another person lost because they couldn’t see the flaws in themselves and be a good enough person to accept it and deal with it. Struggle. Ultimate struggle.
The people that always said they would be there when something like this happened were no where to be found and the people that were around weren’t there to be my shoulder to lean on but to lean on mine because of their own shitshows. I was tired. My brain was tired. Life was tired and you took away all my freakin’ Rockstar and replaced it with decaf coffee because you’re a douchecanoe. You actually took more away from me during your reign of terror than most people have taken away from them in 20 and you cackled loudly from afar at my misfortune. You truly are an evil bastard.
But…with all that being said. I applaud you. I always say that if you’re going to do something do it fully. Don’t half ass it. That concept holds true in your case more than ever. I thank you for putting your full effort into making my life a complete shitshow during the last 365. Thanks for breaking me almost to the point of completely shattered and rebreaking me everytime I superglued my life back together. Ya did well. You left no stone unturned and you did your damn best to push me close to the doors of Bellevue but alas, the Taliverse prevailed. In case you didn’t get the memo from your previous family members that attempted the same takedown….THE TALIVERSE ALWAYS PREVAILS…YOU MORON. Check your mail next time. It may help you.
So 2011, thanks for listening. Thanks for packing your bags and vacating the premises in a semi peaceful manner. Thanks for creating the Talimonster and thanks for getting your sister 12 here right on time to take over. God, I hope she has a bigger number heart than you do. Farewell asshat. You will not be missed but you will always be remembered.
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The Ultimate Fail- A 2nd spoken word piece
16 Nov 2011 1 Comment
in relationships, Therapy Tags: Poetry, Spoken word, spoken work, tali, tali keteri
A red-eyed flame leaps through the hoop of a child’s love lost.
A bitter reminder of innocence gone and a jaded afterglow of a good memories’ remains.
A metaphorical garbage heap of bits and pieces and slivers and shards and a vast canvas of nothingness that exudes failure and screams “IT’S OVER” into the blinding darkness that never seems to end.
I can see my diminished dreams flailing wildly as they grasp for the reaching hand of existence.
Something to pull them back up from the swirling tides of loss.
Something to give them an ounce of meaning in an era of indifference.
Something that means not all is lost.
An ocean of salty tears pulls at the strings of a heart once strong all the while, diluting the sorrow with saline and the steady motion of a peaceful and innocent womb.
The right aural cavity hears The waves whisper sweet nothings of keep ya head UP’S and don’t worry ma you got this. As the left reminds the right that all words of fail sound the same when masked with the constant flow of a wombful existence.
An existence that age does its best to alienate in fear of having to process the inevitable that time does in fact run out.
No. life says to me. NO. You don’t run this show.
A fate already decided mans these controls and your finger is not on the red button.
a hopeful lapse in space and time shall co-exist with the continuum of an ever buried hopeless goal never wanting to break free from its chains and dirt that hold it in its place.
This place is not meant to be held and plural chains can always be broken while dirt transforms itself to mud. A wet slop that ever so slowly drains itself down a hidden side of a mountain capable of handling a messy situation such as this.
A situation comprised of wet pebbles that roll away one by one finally exposing a polished pearl forever calling a specific name.
a diamond in the rough with a rough outer sheath to protect it from the harshness of the journey.
As a lost soul stops to pick up this gem that stayed hidden for far too long a realization of pride less evolvement takes the wheel and as small a trinket as this rock seems it’s still too heavy to pick up on ones own.
an immediate jest from the universe that seems to scream…”yes bitch you can see it now but even the smallest shit can be a burden. Find help. Find love….Trust something other than yourself and maybe just maybe that pearl will walk its ass right into a life deserving instead of life always havin’ to play search and fetch with it” ..only in love with the idea of a real thing.
Maybe just maybe this pearl is a polished form of fail.
A polished form of me.
A polished form of a soul forever looking for its true place in this world.
A place that only a failed pearl can be so lucky to accomplish and call its own.
A fail that only a failure can recognize..
And a recognition that even a failure can get up and fail again.
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Happy Halloween!!!!!
31 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in Chronic Pelvic Pain, IC, Interstitial Cystitis, Interstitial Cystitis/IC Tags: Costume, Halloween, Halloween costume, Horror, Horror film, IC, Interstitial Cystitis, Nicki Minaj, NYC, NYC Village Halloween Parade, tali, tali keteri
Typically Halloween is one of my favorite holidays like ever, ever. For some reason this year I am not into it at all. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have plans of sitting in my bed all day watching the goriest horror flicks I can find thanks to Instant Netflix and enjoying the shit out of it but I’m just not feeling the whole dressing up and going out thing. It’s unfortunate. It’s unfortunate because i’m not going to (not at this point anyway)and it’s unfortunate because I had a kick ass costume planned out for this year. I don’t know if the issue is that i’m slowly turning into an old woman and just don’t wanna be bothered with the chaos that is NYC after our famous Halloween parade or if it’s that I’m just too freakin tired. I feel like I never stop.
I don’t ever stop.
I feel like I never sleep.
I don’t sleep.
I eat too much.
I don’t eat at all.
I’m always battling some form of weird medical issue…not IC related ironically enough.
I run.
I write.
I sing (there’s an explanation about how this came back around coming up next)
I clean.
I work.
I do overtime.
I’m still broke.
Like really broke.
I’m not dressing up for Halloween.
That makes me sad…and remotely happy at the same time.
Fail.
I’m missing something massive in the Taliverse and honestly take up shit tons of time trying to figure out what that is…it’s important that I figure this out in a timely fashion because quite honestly…i’m not getting any freakin younger. This may be why I don’t sleep. Or maybe I don’t sleep because of everything else I try to do in a measly 24 hours. Damn universe and it’s limit on a 24 hour day. Does it not realize that it’s hindering my future? I think that perhaps it just doesn’t care. I think it laughs at me often while saying in it’s best valley girl voice ever “my time limit didn’t hinder the rest of the successful population out there you’re just being a douchecanoe…man up” and personally, there is just something about being told to man up in a valley girl voice that makes me have an aneurysm and have extreme selective hearing. I know that the bitchy, cheerleader, trust fund version of the universe has a very valid point . I’m just going to wait until it has Strep throat to listen to it’s much less annoying message.
Point is that I just don’t have time…and when I find a lil’ bit of time I want to relax or get other things done I don’t want to spend the 2 hours I have on dressing up, spending an hour on the train with drunken sexy-but really not-so-sexy zombie bitches, Nicki Minaj lookalikes that lookanothinlike, and the men in trenchcoats that typically look like that but are just tryna cop a feel, just to get down to the village to be battling for the bathroom with all the drunken fools. No thanks. Just not feelin’ it this year.
Maybe as the day goes on I’ll convince myself to throw on a costume from a previous year and head down to The Back Fence with the roomie while she get’s stuck behind the bar in this mess of a wonderful holiday or maybe as the day goes on I’ll get more and more comfortable in my bed with my cocktail and laptop while critiquing all the horror movies I can find while I bitch that I can write a better horror based screenplay. Maybe I’ll do both.
Maybe I won’t.
Maybe I’ll dress up and prance around my own living room and have my own parade.
And then i’ll be out of time and it’ll be time for work again in the AM.
In the meantime, everyone else I know is putting finishing touches on their costumes and perfect pranks for the evening. Afterall, I always did appreciate the effort that some people put in.
Soooooo…..
I hope that everyone has a blast tonight! Be safe…for real real. I don’t know about other places but I know that NYC gets absolutely bonkers tonight. You can never be too cautious. Ladies…keep ya wits about ya. It’s always a lot more dangerous when masks are everywhere. Have fun! Dress well. Eat loads of shit…and make a dentist appt asap.
<3
Inner lady sparta has officially been reclaimed.
27 Sep 2011 3 Comments
in Chronic Pelvic Pain, IC, IC awareness month, Interstitial Cystitis, Obstacle Racing, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, Vulvodynia Tags: IC, IC Awareness, Lady Sparta, Meghan, New York City, Sparta, spartan Race, Staten Island, super spartan, Vulvodynia
I can’t believe it’s over. That’s what Meghan and I have been walking around the house saying to each other since returning home from Staten Island on Saturday night. It’s over. Damn. Now what? It feels like we’ve been preparing for this race for years and although I know that we really only started training for it 4 months ago it’s become a very important and accepted part of my daily routine.
Eat this….it’s Spartan Training.
Don’t eat this…Spartan Training.
Dunk my head repeatedly in cold bath water…I AM SPARTA!
Run to work…Spartan Training.
Don’t dare take the elevator at work…yes, Spartan Training.
No holding on to the poles or rails on the subway….no pin balling off of other straphangers either…this is balance work..and Spartan Training.
Run around NYC with a pet rock …Spartan training (and bonding with nature)
It seems like every single thing we’ve done for the past 4 months we have counted as some form of training, whether physical or mental. I’m happy to say that no matter how ridiculous it all seemed it paid off in the end. All that crazy shit that we did or didn’t do in the name of training apparently was exactly what we needed to be able to do what we needed to do on the course. I don’t have a single regret. Except for the fact that it’s over. All I can really say about that is….meh.
If any of you read my “Reclaiming my Inner Lady Sparta” piece that I posted awhile back you understand just how important this was to me. I’m not going to reiterate and go into that here but I will say that accomplishing this somehow means to me that I really can do anything and that’s a mindset that has been misplaced in the Taliverse somewhere along the course of the past 5 years. If I could prepare myself for this race and follow through then I can apply that concept to anything else in my life…and I plan to. I also plan to apply that to alot more obstacle races/mud runs. I wanna be good…like really really good. I wanna win damnit. Give me a year and I’ll have enough under my belt to do so.
On another note, there were so many amazing things that went on during this race that I don’t even know where to start. Firstly, I want to thank my roommate and best friend for always sticking by me no matter what form of craziness I drag her into. The poor girl couldn’t even manage to run 5 paces without injuring herself or looking like an orc on crack before I got ahold of her and she ran across that finish line with me mostly in one piece. 
I’m proud…..and there may be a tear or 2 involved (don’t tell her that). Secondly, chivalry was definitely not dead during this race. 99% of the other runners were generous, genuinely concerned about other people’s safety, and a shit ton of fun to run alongside during various parts of the course. Good job kids. Good job. That always leaves me with a warm and fuzzy feeling (which is much different than my usual rubbing alcohol tipped pins and needles feeling that people typically leave me with). I approve. Thirdly, it was an absolute blast. There is nothing better than rolling around in 8-12 inches of mud, swimming through 15 ft long drainage pipes, and getting all battered and bruised along the way. That is my type of extracurricular activity. I’m in love. For real. Last thing that really really made me proud to be a part of this race was the fact that all the money earned goes somewhere amazing. Most of it goes to various military related organizations such as Homes for the Troops and Help for Heroes which to me is the greatest thing ever. They fight for us…we need to fight for them as well. That’s the least we can do. Running 8-10 miles and doing obstacles by choice is nothing compared to what they endure overseas for us and for that I salute you. Aroo! ***Stands up and claps for the entire Spartan Race Organizational team before bowing and giving a silent Aroo…you guys truly are the freakin’ coolest. Thanks for the opportunity to help myself and to help others. Very cool. Very cool indeed.
My initial goal for myself when I signed up to do this race was to finish it. For once I took my competitive side out of it and decided not to push myself too far too quickly. Afterall an IC bladder who has been in fat ass mode for the past 8 years may not tolerate this form of torture too well and I didn’t want to push it…well not to the point of no return anyway. I would like to think that after all these years dealing with IC that I know my body well enough to know what it can and can’t recover from. Also, how to fix it when it does decide to be an asshat. Luckily I was still able to run the race at a semi competitive pace (I promised Meg I would never leave her in the dust on this one) and still preserve my bladder. It worked out quite nicely. We finished in 2:42 which is pretty good for someone who hasn’t competitively ran in 8 years and someone who couldn’t have ran a mile 4 months ago if someone paid her. I’ll take it.
It was a success…and something that I plan to do as often as I possibly can until the day that my legs stop working, which is hopefully years and years and years from now. The promise that I will make to you guys is that every year for the entire month of IC awareness month (whenever that may be if we decide to change it again) we will run in our blue and write IC facts all over our bodies. My races will always be IC motivated.
I will always wear my teal IC wristbands and will always talk about it. Will my hair always be blue…no. I’m over it already because I look like a smurf every day at work with my blue scrubs lol. But as long as I have the ability to rock the blue…I will. I’m running for IC and I’m running for me. It just so happens to work both ways. Hmm…maybe I’ll have to work on my own IC oriented race. And the wheels have officially started turning.
So the moral of the story is simple. Set your mind to something and you can do it. It may not be easy. It may not be pain free. But by damn it’ll be fuckin gratifying at the end of it all and then crawling to the bathroom 500 times will seem worth it. I know it was to me. I’m a new person after this race. Not only did it big my ego up a bit (not sure I needed it to be bigged up at all lol) but it also gave me a reason to stay healthy and really get in touch with my body and mother nature. I think people forget how close those 2 things are in the grand scheme of things. I also would love to go pro as an obstacle racer. Who knows..maybe it’s a career change. lol Or maybe I’ll just settle for making it across the finish line at a really good speed for forever. Just sayin’
If you’re interested in doing these sorts of things check out ImAthlete and Spartan Race websites.
We are also running another one this weekend in the Bronx that’s sponsored by Merrell and are already lining up races for next year. Now…if only I could get my hands on a Spartan Race season pass for 2012 I would be as happy as a 5th ave. hooker on pay day. C’mon universe. Help me out on this will ya?
Here are some stills from the race….
Lady Sparta pre-Super Spartan race ramblings.
27 Sep 2011 1 Comment
in Chronic Pelvic Pain, IC, IC awareness month, Interstitial Cystitis, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction Tags: Endurance racing, IC, IC Awareness, IC awareness month, Lady Sparta, obstacle racing, Pelvic floor dysfunction, Sparta, spartan Race, super spartan, tali, tali keteri
Saturday September 24th 2011 was one of the most gratifying days of my life. After months of endurance training, mental coercion, and bladder preparation I finally stood at the Spartan Race claimed park grounds waiting anxiously for my heat to start. Meghan (my roommate) and I sported all the necessary tones of teal for an IC awareness geared run and told anyone who asked about our blue hair and clothing just why we chose that color. For those of you who know me you’re well aware that I document everything in excess and also that I love to ramble on about whatever I’m doing at the time because I convince myself that someone, somewhere, actually gives a shit about what I have to say. I don’t know if this is the case but running my life based on my own convincing nature seems to work for me.
So…now that we’re all totally clear on all of that. This video was recorded a few hours before our scheduled heat. Just an explanation about why I had to do this so that at the end of the day I could happily claim myself as Spartan Tough. I could also reclaim my inner lady Sparta as well. Guess I finally got to eat the pie. Reference my “Reclaiming My Inner Lady Sparta” blog for the further pie explanation.
Easy dismissal = Pure ignorance & Thoughtless Notions.
15 Aug 2011 33 Comments
in Chronic Pain Support, Chronic Pelvic Pain, IC, IC awareness month, Interstitial Cystitis, Interstitial Cystitis/IC, MTV True Life, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, prescription meds, relationships, Therapy, Vulvodynia Tags: anatomy, Chronic Pelvic Pain, Conditions and Diseases, Dyspareunia, Health, IC, Interstitial Cystitis, Interstitial Cystitis Awareness, MTV True Life, Muscle, Pain, Painful Sex, PBS, Pelvic floor dysfunction, Pelvic pain, PFD, Spasm, tali, tali keteri, Vagina, Vulvodynia, Women's Health
So…
Herein lie some very important facts. Yes. Facts. Proven. Tried. Medically accepted. Facts. The dictionary definition of fact is simply this:
<———-This picture is what a normal bladder is supposed to look like…. 
<—————–There can also be petechial hemorrhaging in the bladder lining which causes there to be bloody ulcers….kind of like a stomach ulcer but on the bladder lining instead. You know when you have a bleeding stomach ulcer and nothing acidic can be drunk or eaten because it’ll make you bleed out and hurt like hell? Same concept…just a different organ that’s also affected by the acid. It burns. It bleeds. It hurts. It’s not fun.So when some of you really rag on your IC friends about why they don’t go out to dinner anymore etc. etc…think about how not worth it at all it is to go out to dinner and drink pH balanced water and eat saltines while you guys get to eat whatever you want and have a cocktail. We’re not mad at you cuz you can..but you shouldn’t be mad at us cuz we can’t. Not cool kids. Not cool. It’s more enjoyable for everyone to stay home. For those of you who have had a urinary tract infection take a moment and think about how terrible it was. You probably felt like you had to pee but could only pee 3 drops at a time regardless of the fact that your bladder was full and felt like it was going to explode. Your vag and bladder also probably burned like a hookers forehead after receiving the sign of the cross by a priest in Sunday mass in the South. There was probably no hope of getting comfortable and i’m guessing there’s a good chance you couldn’t stand the pressure from your underwear or jeans. I’m not making this up….This is typically the general concensus when it comes to UTI symptoms. Now that we’re all in agreement on that…please realize that IC for most people (for some certain symptoms and pain levels vary) feels like that stupid UTI but is nothing like a UTI (there’s no infection or bacteria present) for 24 hours a day..7 days a week..and 365 days a year. It sometimes never lets up. Sometimes it does…and then it comes back and it officially gets called “I’m flaring”. This is universal IC language for “my bladder is being a douche canoe and is wearing its asshat today”. At this point an IC patient starts to panic. They have school to attend, kids to feed, jobs to go to, and a life to live. All of these things come easily when not in a flare. How do you do these things when you have to piss 3 bloody acid drops every 3 seconds and still function like a normal human being? How can people expect other people to function properly all while prancing around saying it’s in your head? I’m still hoping for a logical explanation and am waiting with baited breath for the person that wants to give me some insight into this “it’s in your head” topic.Like this:
Annoyance is quickly approaching…
09 Aug 2011 16 Comments
in Chronic Pelvic Pain, IC, IC awareness month, Interstitial Cystitis, Interstitial Cystitis/IC Tags: Bladder, Blue for IC, Chronic Pelvic Pain, CPP, Health, IC, IC Awareness, IC awareness month, IC-Network, Jill Osborne, MTV True Life, Painful bladder syndrome, PBS, tali, tali keteri
Hey…looky here.
September is fast approaching.Which also means genuine annoyance caused by none other than yours truly is quickly approaching as well. What does this mean you ask? SEPTEMBER IS IC AWARENESS MONTH. And this, my friends , can only mean two things: My mouth will not be quiet and my fingers will not be still. So, with all of that being said…
This is my official warning….a disclaimer if you will. The next 6 weeks of your lives are going to be spammed with talk of bladder stuff and not just by me but by many other men and women who have douchebaggish hellions with no manners for bladders. It will be graphic. It will be gross. It will be more information about me than you all care to know. It will seem unnecessary to those of you who don’t believe this IC thing exists. If you are one of those people who does not believe this IC thing exists I will shun the non believer. Shuuuuunnnnnnn……. and I will shun you into regret about your being shunned. Then you will have no choice but to shun yourself for being so close minded and dumb to begin with.I’m just sayin… That also means that you should prepare for the most brutal, painful, extremely long winded, and seemingly never ending debate you’ve ever found yourself in up until this point in your life. That is..until you see my point of view. If this is a challenge you are willing to take on please send in your applications before September 1st. Actually September 2nd would be better. The first is my birthday and frankly I don’t want to spend it defending the fact that my useless bladder is for real. Also, If you plan on challenging me to the “IC does not exist” debate be ready to defend your opinion and your beliefs. I hate nothing more than mouth flappers who can’t back their shit when it comes down to facts and medical/scientific proof. You are entitled to your opinion but please oh please oh please, you non believers you, please have your ducks in a row before arguing with me about something that I would stake the entire world’s safety on because I know how real it is. My only head start for you is this. DO YOUR RESEARCH before stepping up to the plate. It’ll make your humiliation seem not so, shall we say….pathetic. Yes, I said it.
Now, for those of you who have IC or know someone who does, I am quite positive you understand the importance of this month. It gives us even more of a reason to tell everyone that will listen about why we are the way we are and why it affects our lives the way it does. It gives us a chance to explain. It gives us a reason to network. It gives us a chance to make a difference in our situation. It gives us more of a window of opportunity to fund raise. I’m not saying that a massive change is going to happen all at once but for those of you who have been active in the IC community for say the past 6-10 years I’m sure you can see the difference. It’s a snowball that’s rolling ever so slowly down the bunny slope at your nearest ski resort but, by God, it’s still rolling. Slow is better than not at all. At least it hasn’t melted.
People will not accept this condition if we do not tell them about it.
The outside community will not know it exists if we don’t tell them how many of us it truly exists for.
Doctors will not treat it as a real condition if we do not speak about it as a real condition.
Hiding our pain and frustration = allowing our pain and frustration to continue to be swept under the rug.
Fight.
Spam the shit out of everything.
Hand out flyers. Hang posters. Hit up the local newspapers. Write a blog. Post badges. Start a fundraiser. Tweet away at all the other twits who don’t have a clue. Make fb pages…but be nice to each other about it please.
DO ANYTHING.
Because..truly…we CAN DO ANYTHING.
Only we get in the way of ourselves….well, we and our asshole-esque non- functional bladders. Time to put them bitches in check and control them for a change. September is our month kids. Have at it.
Now stop reading my shit and get busy!
Thanks Jill and the IC-Network for getting this up and running for yet another year….
***all pictures are borrowed from the official IC Awareness month website which is an IC-Network project!
Like this:
Reclaiming my inner lady sparta….
08 Jul 2011 4 Comments
in Chronic Pelvic Pain, IC, Interstitial Cystitis, MTV True Life, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, Vulvodynia Tags: Endurance racing, Goonies, Health, Interstitial Cystitis, Lady Sparta, Living with IC, Meg Dollar, MTV, MTV True Life, Muscle, New York City, Obstacle race, Pelvic floor, Pelvic floor dysfunction, PFD, running, spartan Race, super spartan, tali keteri, True Life, Vulvodynia
I have been missing a huge pie sized chunk of my soul for a very long time. Like I’m crawling through a never lifting heavy fog that’s weighing on my chest and unless I can get that pie back in one piece and totally uneaten I’ll never get out…isn’t that a nice opening statement? Sucks you right in like “wow, this female is a totally sad excuse for a decent train wreck” right from the jump. Excellent! That was the goal. So,now that I’ve gotten your attention, let me elaborate a bit.
I was an extremely athletic person my entire childhood, all the way up through my teens, and into my medical health downfall stage of my early 20′s. Nothing was too much for me. I was a heavily competitive gymnast from the time I was 3 until I was 14; a horseback rider since I was able to hold myself up; a diver for my high school swim team (yes people, I may be broken and out of shape but, I can still do a mean double twisting one and a half) ; a decent mountain biker and finally a runner, both competitively and well…in all honesty, what else is there in life but competition? You’re either competing against another human or you’re competing with yourself. Either way, you have to step up to the challenge to do better or at least do as well as you did the time before. There is nothing more gratifying in the world than that.
At least to me there isn’t.
There used to be 2 things in the world that could bring me out a funk. Singing and running. If it was a really bad day I’d do both simultaneously.It may seem weird but let me assure you that running the streets of NYC and singing at the top of your lungs doesn’t get you that many weird looks around this massive city, contrary to popular belief, and to top it off it’s great for building lung capacity. I’m just sayin’. Anyway, doing those 2 things on a daily basis kept me grounded, made me smile and ultimately made my ass look amazing. Ok, Ok, i’m sure the singing had nothing to do with my ass, but the running definitely played a part.
It seems I’m deviating away from the point. Apologies.
Anyway, in my early 20′s I had no choice but to stop running, completely, due to being diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis, Vulvodynia, and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction (all incurable,chronic pelvic pain conditions) which are all super aggravated by just being alive, let alone any type of physical activity. At first not being able to run every day seemed like something I could live with. It was either continue with the rapid leg movement and foot/pavement battles or aggravate all my my medical conditions and end up not being able to walk or function for 3-7 days after a short 2-3 mile run…which totally blows. I chose the first option and continued to struggle with my medical conditions, weight, and most of all a clear mind. In all honesty it took a few yrs for it to really catch up and start affecting the competitive side of me but, at the time, not running was the best thing I could’ve done for my body. Probably not running for 3-5 years was still in my body’s best interest and probably starting to run again a year ago probably wouldn’t have been the best idea either. So I didn’t. It had been almost 7 years since I had to give up that pie and quite frankly I felt it was time I was allowed to eat the damn thing, bite by bite, and in peace (with no napkins to wipe my face when I was finished) Hah! Take that clean, dainty, fancy-esque people!
As many of you are well aware I was filmed for MTV True Life for an episode called “I can’t Have Sex” (yes you can watch it here if you wish..just click)” which focused on the Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and Vulvodynia aspect of my day to day life and intimate relationships. A massive part about my section of the show was about how I started to attend internal and external physical therapy to learn how to help manage the pain, re-teach my pelvic floor muscles how to act properly, and how to understand that much of our own personal xi and vibrational energy plays a part in healing. I started my therapy almost a year ago and although I am no longer in excruciating pain every day of my life, I still spend hours a week reteaching these muscles how to function like a normal 25 year old’s muscles should just so I can continue to act like a normal 25 yr old should…err something. Now, keep in mind that I do, in fact, spend even more time destroying those rebellious muscles because I refuse to continue to let these conditions hold me back any longer. So, am I cured? Hell no…no such thing exists just yet but my pain is managed and my pelvic muscles are kept on a very tight leash which I just so happen to have conveniently handcuffed to my wrist at all times to help keep them in check. With all of that being said, I decided it was time to once again consider myself a runner.
In order to do such a thing …you must run.
I started slowly about a month ago..and when I say slowly I mean it .Usually that whole slow thing isn’t an option for me but I dragged Meg Dollar, my wonderful best friend and roommate with me for the adventure. She was never a runner in her life and when she tried to run…even slowly… it looked like something out of the Goonies. Jaw dropped, foaming at the mouth, and a gate like Sloth. Truly, Sloth’s droopy eye could’ve run a better mile. No lie. I figured it would be good practice for her and also a great way to keep me at a decent pace until I got reacquainted with my legs. Mission accomplished! We worked our way around Central, Riverside, and St. Nicholas parks in increments. Run for 2 minutes….walk for 30 sec and so on. We are now up to jogging a steady 3-5 miles a day and have stopped putting limitations on the terrain. Genius, I tell you. Genius. Around the same time that we started this leg/jog/one foot in front of the other in a quick fashion extravaganza another close friend imparted upon me the wisdom that is The Spartan Race . Dun dun dun……! It was a match made in heaven and after watching their 10 minute video we mentally opted in. I’m happy to say that last night we officially opted in when we officially registered for the official extra day that they added on September 25th @ Wolf’s Pond Park in Staten Island. Officially, I am going to be running an 8+ mile, 15+ obstacle race and officially I not only plan to make it though it alive, but with a hell of a good time for someone who hasn’t been able to run in years thanks to a stupid medical handicap. It’s officially, official and even my pelvic floor muscles, bladder, and broken everything else in my body say GAME ON!
It’s going to be a lot of hard work and I’m totally up to the task seeing as though I am Lady Sparta (Don’t judge me). One thing I have always had in my life is believing in mind over matter and shit tons of discipline (thanks gymnastics). I will do this..and after I conquer this Super Spartan Race..I will conquer the next one..and after that one…I will level up and do the Beast…and after that I will do the Death Race. And then I will probably die…
The moral of this story is that in the end no one has control over my body but me. I’ve let these medical conditions wear me down for far too long and this time…I plan on running closer to every challenge and further away from every cop out. I am one step closer to reclaiming my inner Lady Sparta and stuffing my face with that pie.
Thanks to all who have stood by me through the rekindling of an old favorite adventure of mine and thanks to all those who are helping me to make new adventures….Spartan race people…yes I am, in fact, talking about you. Thanks for adding that extra day…..my soul stopped crying and chugging the metaphorical handle of vodka due to complete and total elation.
Kids if you’re interested in participating in the race check out all the links and also follow them on twitter @spartan_race for updates and offers. Oh yea, click like on Facebook as well.
oh yea…and hey, hey, yes, you. Follow me on twitter as well…i’ll be updating incessantly about the entire experience. @talithaketeri. Oh hell, follow my teammate Meg dollar too…@dancerdollar.
If you don’t have me on facebook yet. Do so!
I AM LADY SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
