Ode to IC…Among Other Things…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best joke ever, you had the last laugh.

Enjoy it well cuz the pride will soon pass.

Too much times been wasted , life aint much for the past.

Watch as it crumbles, tumbles and crash…

Listen to the silence as it screams its attack…

Taste all the bitter the sweetness still lacks

and feel the nothing, the void and the gap…

While you fear the emotions that might make you crack…

Fight the good fight to uphold the same.

Let go of the old to find new blames to blame.

While again and again every ego gets smashed.

Over and over all we can do.

is laugh…..

My Inner Crazy…Which Just So Happens To Be My Outer Crazy As Well.

I’ve been told I’m crazy thousands of times…maybe even millions. Regardless of how many times I’ve been told this it never ceases to amuse and offend me every single time. Contradicting? Sure. Confusing? Absolutely. 100 % honest? not a doubt in my mind…

I find myself asking often how it can be both amusing and offensive and every time I can explain it perfectly yet I keep asking. I make no sense…

What it comes down to is the fact that on a daily basis I am guaranteed to flip out, get angry, yell, scream, storm out of a room only to come back 5 minutes later completely over it asking what we’re eating for dinner today and ready to move on to the next. I usually am in the process of running away from the issue while Jaim is screaming YOU’RE F’IN CRAZY at the top of his lungs or $$ telling me to go have another drink so that the crazy can tone it down a notch. Boom at this point just sits there with a shit grin laughing externally at the fact that my craziness amuses him and probably crying internally at the fact that he willingly signed up for it. haha. He should’ve thought that through. This is the amusing part of being “crazy” I mean i’m sure it’s totally amusing to all parties involved but…although we all accept this fact that I can be totally psychopants, over emotional, sometimes hypocritical, and just an all around pain in the ass it still seems to slip past my wonderful people as to why I am like this. Hell, sometimes it even slips past me as to why i’m such a basketcase. and this is where it ends up being a bit on the offensive side.

On a daily basis I am attemtping not to let on that I’m really not feeling that great or that i’m really hating the cards that have been dealt. I walk around with my makeup on and hair done praying that this will mask the real issues and that the true causes of my craziness will slip past most of the people I deal with all the time. I’m not complaining in any way shape or form at the way things have ended up in Tali Land but there are a few aspects of this whole chronic pain thing that need to be kept in mind before one can understand how one get’s this way.

Every single day I have to get into an internal argument with the stupid part of my brain…stupid side of brain says as loud as possible “hey, you’re not normal, you can never be a real woman…just throw in the towel and deal primarily with chronic pain patients because they are the only ones that understand. Curl up in a ball and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t know you exist so that you don’t have to deal with the shit. NO one will have to know that you’re in pain, or that you’re terrified out of your mind on a daily basis that people won’t accept you like this or want to deal with you because of all the medical bullshit. Just walk away and save everyone the drama of having to witness this (which really just means save myself the pain and agony from a stab at my pride if my crawling around the house is witnessed). Just give up, these people think you’re crazy and that you’re a drama queen. NO one will ever understand and no man will ever really love and stick around witht the problems you have. and haha at your thought of living happily ever after with someone…that’s hilarious. You’re broken…Just quit…

Usually at this point in the game I’m sitting here like ok, This part of my brain is veryyyyyy convincing but I think it’s an asshole. I mean talk about internal sabotage. and it should really work on it’s grammar…there’s run on’s everywhere. I mean really. But I think it’s right…quitting may be the only way to go . Then just as I come to terms with the quitting decision the real Tali’s brain takes over and beats me repeatedly with a 9 iron screaming the entire time to wake up and stop being a child….(where my brain got that 9 iron is beyond me but I’m telling you it has one and it uses it often….) after my internal beating with a 9 iron the thought process ends something like this…

Real Tali’s brain sarcastically and calmly says: “Yes, this is hard. It always will be…Will anyone other than chronic pain patients understand this? Probably not, but you have to give those other people a chance to try. It is their decision to deal with you and if they choose to deal with you even after they know all this crazy stuff, accept it and enjoy it. Do not quit…quitting is stupid and it takes a lot of work. You have way too much pride to quit anyway…it would make you look bad. And for God’s sake no amount of makeup or hair straightening can cover your large amount of crazy. You are this way because it took 6 years to get diagnosed…a shit ton of painful procedures, a lot of needles, and doctors passing you off instead of taking this seriously. You are this way because throughout that journey you lost a lot of people you cared about and it hurt. You’ll never forget it so you hold on as tight as you possibly can to the people that you care about now. You trusted people that couldn’t be trusted and you pushed people away that could be because you didn’t know how to deal with your own pain. You will always have to live with that and it’ll always haunt you but pushing away the people that are here for you now is not the answer. so knock it the hell off… You are a real woman regardless of who has told you that you’re not. You were a real woman before ya got sick guess what you always will be. After all you were born with woman parts…whether they’re defective or not. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to sometimes just let it all out if that’s what you have to do to learn how to deal with it all. Holding it in does nothing.
YOU’RE NOT CRAZY…you’re confused and in a constant battle with yourself to stay strong, not make the same mistakes, continue to grow as a person, and love everyone who loves you to the best of your ability. You may be bitter and jaded but you still have the biggest heart and will always fight for what’s right… It’s a rollercoaster. That’s all. Although I must admit to some it looks like you’re bi-polar.

Crazy bitch…”

The Queen Of Disassociation…

I guess it would be an appropriate start to say that I have issues. I don’t mean that I’m a schizo (not that there’s anything wrong with being one) or even that I’m a psychopants. It’s just the fact that I’m not the typical cut and dry sorta girl. Aside from my many medical issues and all of my insecurities about my many medical issues I seem to get sucked into this idea of a perfect world which I am pretty positive does not and will not ever exist. Which may I just say sorta sucks and bothers me indefinitely.

I’m the type of person who loves a good romance movie but reels from the affect it has on me for days because I can’t figure out why love stories like that can’t really happen, and if they do why I can’t have my own romance movie love story…

I take things too seriously even though I know they are not that serious and I tend to lose my sense of humor as the days go by for no good reason at all other than the fact that I’m bitter and jaded. I really have no qualms about speaking my mind but I’m finding lately that I’d rather keep my big mouth shut rather than take the chance of possibly losing the things that I feel are most important to me in my life because I can‘t control my mouth..which at this point I seem to have in my grasp for the first time in a long time. So much for coming to terms with being alone for the rest of my life. And that’s a whole other scenario in itself.

I live in constant fear not that I won’t find someone who can deal with all of my shit but that all of my shit will eventually wear them down and make them run which is inevitably what I do when I feel overwhelmed. I can’t seem to figure this out. It’s not that I can’t be happy..it’s that I’m scared to be. I’m scared that as soon as I admit that I am happy with what I have and the way things are I will jinx myself and it’ll all disappear and that would totally rock my world. It takes so much time for me to drop my guard and calm the fuck down when it comes to getting a control on all of my wonderful subconscious defense mechanisms that kick in whenever I feel just a bit too comfortable that by the time I do manage to get some control over it I’ve driven myself and the people I care about nutty. Even the people or situations that are the reason why I had to try to control it in the first place. Once again, this makes no sense to me yet I can’t seem to change it no matter how hard I try.

I don’t want to destroy everything positive that comes into my life but I have such crazy high expectations for these positive events that I almost never get to give it a chance to be positive before I wear it down and kill it. Smart Tal, Very smart. The worst part is that I know that I do this and I can recognize it as it happens. Sometimes I don’t disassociate and sometimes I do. Recently, I am trying my damndest not to because for once in my life I actually give a fuck. I actually don’t wanna mess it up because I’m a basket case and I actually think I can manage this…somehow. Hopefully. If not, I”ll be sitting in a corner like a true psychopants rocking back and forth talking to the paint chips on the wall about why they don’t love me anymore.

I’ve learned that I’ve blamed all of my failed relationships on other people. And although most of the significant other’s I’ve had before and after I was diagnosed have messed up significantly somehow I still am the ultimate destroyer of every good thing that comes into my life. Get offered a recording contract destroy it by running away. Have a boyfriend that is actually as crazy as I am, destroy it by sabotaging and trying to run away. Get a job that I love, destroy it by running away…This running away thing seems to be quite a pattern and it kills me….every time. It never fails. I’ve never been truly broken up with…not because everyone that I’ve been with loves me that much or because I’m that good but because I always break up with them first. I always run away. I always quit . And I never deal. I disassociate.

Maybe one day I’ll figure this out in a way that I won’t destroy everything that happens to me even if it is for a reason. And maybe one day I’ll realize that I do this for a reason. And maybe one day after that I’ll realize that although everything happens for reason, I still need to figure out what the reason is and accept it even if I don’t know how or why…and maybe one day in the near future I’ll realize I’m just crazy and everyone else is normal. But I’m not crazy….I’m totally broken because of everything that I’ ve been told, and been through, and haven’t been able to deal with. Or maybe I’ll just disassociate and keep it movin’ like I always have. Feeling misunderstood and alone. It’s always easier that way…or so it seems. One day I’ll understand my misunderstanding. One day…