A hiatus well deserved if I may say so myself…and I just so happen to say so…myself.

24 Apr 2012 2 Comments

by taliketeri in Chronic Pelvic Pain, IC, Interstitial Cystitis, Interstitial Cystitis/IC, MTV True Life, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, relationships, Vulvodynia Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I have always been a pretty humble individual. Never one for rubbing shit in people’s faces or trapsing around flaunting shiny new things all over the town..mostly because I really don’t like to make people feel like shit but also because I never really had too much to rub in people’s faces in the first place. The way I always looked at it is that someone is always better at something that someone else…and someone else is always worse at something than the next person. The truth is, we are all good at our own things and we all suck at our own things. It’s a matter of how we react to each person’s differences that make us the king of douchbagastan or a generally understanding person. It can really go either way. I always chose to not run around screaming about the things I was good at….unless it was talking or any other form of word vomit that comes out of my face. That I will claim and run around doing… Always.   Clearly….Have you met me?

I can’t help it.

But where I’m going with this is that I don’t know if I’ve ever been so unbelievably proud of something that I felt I had to run around and tell everyone about it. Some may call me out on that one and say that I blabbed about the MTV show, and I did. But,  it wasn’t for the purpose of bragging about my own experience on that one…it was a matter of trying to get money raised for IC organizations and people to recognize that these conditions do , in fact, exist. So with that being said, there really hasn’t been much that I’ve enjoyed rubbing in people’s faces. I also have a really hard time expressing happiness around those who are having a really hard time at the moment. I feel that even though the people who are going through shitshows may love you dearly and support you they don’t really want to hear about what’s going good in your life. Not because they don’t care but because it’s too hard for them to deal with right then… It’s not a dick move and it’s not because they secretly hate you. It’s just that at the end of it all we’re all human and shit hurts. We get jealous. We tend to resent. We sometimes even go so far as to subconsciously wish bad on others who are having a good go of things. Some of you may sit here and say that people that do this are assholes. That the jealous, resenting, ill wishers aren’t real friends or don’t care about anyone but themselves, but the truth is that sometimes a good person has so much bad shit happen to them that at the end of the day their heart is still in tact but every emotion that can still find its way out of the brain and into the world is a bitter jaded bitch. It’s unfortunate. It’s unintentional. And it’s really hard to have an aspect of your life fuck up every single day without getting a single moment of downtime to catch up, process the shitshow, learn how to deal, and get over it before the next round of giardia ridden bullshit explodes right into your eyes. I don’t blame people for this. Hell, I’ve done it. I’ve been that person. Maybe that’s why I’m so understanding of the mindset here..whether intentional or totally on purpose. That’s one of the reasons why I’ve been in hiding. Just one. All of you miserable bastards better not go getting your damn hopes up that my hiatus was solely because of your bitterness. There are other reasons involved here as well. I just had to touch on this one first because it’s the one that gets misconstrued the most.

So…

The next “excuse” (cuz i’m sure that’s what you’ll all call it anyway lol) on my list of things to touch base on about why I fell off goes a lil’ somethin like this.  I have never been truly happy..and if I was I was too busy wondering when the so called “happy”  was going to shit out and die to even realize that I may have been even a lil’ happy because at the end of the day I’m a pessimistic asshole. So therefore, I have never truly been truly happy.  Get it? Ok…

This happy shit…new to the Taliverse and it baffles me….Why?

A. I don’t know how to handle it properly.

B. I don’t know if i’m allowed to feel this way… every time I get a bit of happy some other part of the Taliverse falls apart and creates a hole in a parallel universe. My acceptance of good things = a downfall of other things. I’m a jinx to my own life. Always.

C. I’m still not entirely sure my being happy is real. I mean that in a sense of that I’m not sure that I’m not dreaming. Or that it’s not like the movie repo men and I’ve just suffered a massive brain injury by a meat hook and my best friend has hooked me up to a perfect dream system for the rest of my vegetative state and it’s all in my mush brain dream cycle.

D. It’s taking me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I do deserve to be happy and  that I shouldn’t feel guilty about it ..Well…shouldn’t feel guilty if I’m really not dreaming and all of this newly found happy shit is real at least.

That last one has to be the hardest.   I mean you’ve clearly read the first 2 paragraphs of this lil “hey i’m back” piece  (unles you’re one of those fucking weirdos who skips to the middle of an article just to get to the climax…and in that case. you’re a bunch of lazy asshats) and you’ve read that I don’t like to flaunt any newfound happiness around but now on the same hand when I realize that I’m not dreaming and there is some amazing shit going on in my life right now I feel that I do  deserve to happy and that I shouldn’t feel guilty talking about it or telling you people why I’ve been missing in action.  It’s a hard thing to balance. And, I feel like it makes me seem just a bit hypocritical. I hate that. I truly do. But, I don’t know how else to do it because this is all new to me. I’m learning here…so please try to be  just a bit less judgmental than you all usually are.

I guess i’ll just get into where the hell I’ve been…I’ll tell you as much as I can in as little as I can without trying to seem like a cunt-satchel who is rubbing shit in just because I can. What’s been going on in the Taliverse is uber important to me and it’s only fair that I share.  Afterall, I never hold back and lord knows that i’m an open book when it comes down to what’s going on and how I really feel about things.  Some of you may actually give a shit where I’ve been and some of you could give a fuck less and are just reading on because it’s going to give you something to talk shit about over facebook chat tonight. I don’t care which category you fall in. If you give a shit…thanks. If you don’t…just make sure that you’re shit talking later is up to par. If you’re going to do something…commit fully and be confident in your choice. I hate when people only jump halfway in the pool before screaming their way out because the water was too cold on their ass cheeks. Man up kids. man up.

Here goes.

I fell in love…

I got engaged….

I’m planning a wedding…

And apparently turning into a real girl along the way….

I’m so unbelievably happy I disgust myself….

I’m being selfish in that I spend every extra moment that I can with this man and honestly nothing else really matters right now (except figuring out the new onslaught of medical problems that have plagued my reproductive system) …

I don’t want to think about sad things or bad things or jinxy things or music things or family things or animal things…No time for career things or drama things or laundry things or shower things.

I just want to sit here and freakin’ enjoy being truly happy for once. I want to not feel guilty about it. I’m trying my best to not feel guilty about writing this post but a lil bit still sneaks in there and kicks me right in the jugular for feeling like rubbing it in.

I haven’t been around…I know. Not because I don’t want to be involved anymore. Not because  I don’t care about the cause. Not because of blah blah blah . Only because I wanted to sit here and take it all in. Soak up the only good thing going on right now…there are shitshows that hit me every single day but all  of a sudden it doesn’t seem so bad anymore because I have someone to share it with. I deserve to enjoy that. After all of the shit that I have had to be the “tough guy” through during my entire life I realize that if all of that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be the person I am now and I wouldn’t have been in the right place  at the right time to meet the person I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I would go through absolutely every ounce of shit that I have gone through during the past 15 years over and over again if he was the end result and you’d never hear a complaint out of my mouth (hard to believe I know).

So, I am sorry that I’ve been so neglectful. And I’m sorry if this rubs people the wrong way. But, I’ve been hiding in my happy. Away from anything that could possibly bring that happy down a few notches. I wanted it to stay right at the uber ridiculous happy level it was at. So I hid.

I wish for everyone to find that something that makes them this happy. Whether it be a dog, a book, another human being (no matter the sex). …EVERYONE derserves to be happy. No matter what mistakes you’ve made in your life as long as you’ve accounted for them and acknowledged that you fucked up and tried to rectify.

Afterall, life is about learning from your past and not letting shitty history control your future. It’s a fucking hard thing to do but my god, if you can do it… DO IT and fucking DO IT WELL. It changes everything.

Reclaiming my inner lady sparta….

08 Jul 2011 4 Comments

by taliketeri in Chronic Pelvic Pain, IC, Interstitial Cystitis, MTV True Life, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, Vulvodynia Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I have been missing a huge pie sized chunk  of my soul for a very long time. Like I’m crawling through a never lifting heavy fog that’s weighing on my chest and unless I can get that pie back in one piece and totally uneaten I’ll never get out…isn’t that a nice opening statement? Sucks you right in like “wow, this female is a totally sad excuse for a decent train wreck” right from the jump. Excellent! That was the goal. So,now that I’ve gotten your attention, let me elaborate a bit.

I was an extremely athletic person my entire childhood, all the way up through my teens, and into my medical health downfall stage of my early 20′s. Nothing was too much for me. I was a heavily competitive gymnast from the time I was 3 until I was 14; a horseback rider since I was able to hold myself up; a diver for my high school swim team (yes people, I may be broken and out of shape but, I can still do a mean double twisting one and a half) ; a decent mountain biker and finally a runner, both competitively and well…in all honesty, what else is there  in life but competition? You’re either competing against another human or you’re competing with yourself. Either way, you have to step up to the challenge to do better or at least do as well as you did the time before. There is nothing more gratifying in the world than that.

At least to me there isn’t.

There used to be 2 things in the world that could bring me out a funk. Singing and running. If it was a really bad day I’d do both simultaneously.It may seem weird but let me assure you that running the streets of NYC and singing at the top of your lungs doesn’t get you that many weird looks around this massive city, contrary to popular belief, and to top it off it’s great for building lung capacity. I’m just sayin’. Anyway, doing those 2 things on a daily basis kept me grounded, made me smile and ultimately made my ass look amazing. Ok, Ok, i’m sure the singing had nothing to do with my ass, but the running definitely played a part.

It seems I’m deviating away from the point. Apologies.

Anyway, in my early 20′s I had no choice but to stop running, completely, due to being diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis, Vulvodynia, and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction (all incurable,chronic pelvic pain conditions) which are all super aggravated by just being alive, let alone any type of physical activity. At first not being able to run every day seemed like something I could live with. It was either continue with the rapid leg movement and foot/pavement battles or aggravate all my my medical conditions and end up not being able to walk or function for 3-7 days after a short 2-3 mile run…which totally blows. I chose the first option and continued to struggle with my medical conditions, weight, and most of all a clear mind. In all honesty it took a few yrs for it to really catch up and start affecting the competitive side of me but, at the time, not running was the best thing I could’ve done for my body. Probably not running for 3-5 years was still in my body’s best interest and probably starting to run again a year ago probably wouldn’t have been the best idea either. So I didn’t. It had been almost 7 years since I had to give up that pie and quite frankly I felt it was time I was allowed to eat the damn thing, bite by bite, and in peace (with no napkins to wipe my face when I was finished) Hah! Take that clean, dainty, fancy-esque people!

As many of you are well aware I was filmed for MTV True Life for an episode called “I can’t Have Sex” (yes you can watch it here if you wish..just click)” which focused on the Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and Vulvodynia aspect of my day to day life and intimate relationships. A massive part about my section of the show was about how I started to attend internal and external physical therapy to learn how to help manage the pain, re-teach my pelvic floor muscles how to act properly, and how to understand that much of our own personal xi and vibrational energy plays a part in healing. I started my therapy almost a year ago and although I am no longer in excruciating pain every day of my life, I still  spend hours a week reteaching these muscles how to function like a normal 25 year old’s muscles should just so I can continue to act like a normal 25 yr old should…err something. Now, keep in mind that I do, in fact,  spend even more time destroying those rebellious muscles because I refuse to continue to let these conditions hold me back any longer. So, am I cured? Hell no…no such thing exists just yet but my pain is managed and my pelvic muscles are kept on a very tight leash which I just so happen to have conveniently handcuffed to my wrist at all times to help keep them in check. With all of that being said, I decided it was time to once again consider myself a runner.

In order to do such a thing …you must run.

I started slowly about a month ago..and when I say slowly I mean it .Usually that whole slow thing isn’t an option for me but I dragged Meg Dollar, my wonderful best friend and roommate with me for the adventure. She was never a runner in her life and when she tried to run…even slowly… it looked like something out of the Goonies. Jaw dropped, foaming at the mouth, and a gate like Sloth. Truly, Sloth’s droopy eye could’ve run a better mile. No lie. I figured it would be good practice for her and also a great way to keep me at a decent pace until I got reacquainted with my legs. Mission accomplished! We worked our way around Central, Riverside, and St. Nicholas parks in increments.   Run for 2 minutes….walk for 30 sec and so on. We are now up to jogging a steady 3-5 miles a day and have stopped putting limitations on the terrain. Genius, I tell you. Genius. Around the same time that we started this leg/jog/one foot in front of the other in a quick fashion extravaganza another close friend imparted upon me the wisdom that is The Spartan Race . Dun dun dun……!  It was a match made in heaven and after watching their 10 minute video we mentally opted in. I’m happy to say that last night we officially opted in when we officially registered for the official extra day that they added on September 25th @ Wolf’s Pond Park in Staten Island.  Officially, I am going to be running an 8+ mile, 15+ obstacle race and officially I not only plan to make it though it alive, but with a hell of a good time for someone who hasn’t been able to run in years thanks to a stupid medical handicap. It’s officially, official and even my pelvic floor muscles, bladder, and broken everything else in my body say GAME ON!

It’s going to be a lot of hard work and I’m totally up to the task seeing as though I am Lady Sparta (Don’t judge me). One thing I have always had in my life is believing in mind over matter and shit tons of discipline (thanks gymnastics). I will do this..and after I conquer this Super Spartan Race..I will conquer the next one..and after that one…I will level up and do the Beast…and after that I will do the Death Race. And then I will probably die…

The moral of this story is that in the end no one has control over my body but me. I’ve let these medical conditions wear me down for far too long and this time…I plan on running closer to every challenge and further away from every cop out.  I am one step closer to reclaiming my inner Lady Sparta and stuffing my face with that pie.

Thanks to all who have stood by me through the rekindling of an old favorite adventure of mine and thanks to all those who are helping me to make new adventures….Spartan race people…yes I am, in fact, talking about you. Thanks for adding that extra day…..my soul stopped crying and chugging the metaphorical handle of vodka due to complete and total elation.

Kids if you’re interested in participating in the race check out all the links and also follow them  on twitter @spartan_race for updates and offers.   Oh yea, click like on Facebook as well.

oh yea…and hey, hey, yes, you. Follow me on twitter as well…i’ll be updating incessantly about the entire experience.   @talithaketeri.  Oh hell, follow my teammate Meg dollar too…@dancerdollar.

If you don’t have me on facebook yet. Do so!

 

 

 

I AM LADY SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Let the panic attacks begin…and thank you for giving me a great reason to panic.

05 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment

by taliketeri in Chronic Pelvic Pain, IC, Interstitial Cystitis/IC, MTV True Life, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, Uncategorized, Vulvodynia Tags: , , , , , , ,

Ahhhhhhhhh…..that’s all my brain seems to want to say today…Ahhhh.  Ah. ahhhhhhhhh. Lol. I am having a super hard time believing that December 6th is actually almost here. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was getting the call from the production team to let us know that we finally had an airdate for the show. Usually at that point the human brain does one of two things…it either panics and says “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh there’s no time must hustle” or it tricks itself into thinking that there’s a lot of time and we can worry about the big stuff closer to the air date. Neither of these are the way to go.

I think about how much we’ve all put into this show from every aspect. Dr. E and Susan got me the MTV contact to begin with….Isa treated me at Renew Physical Therapy while Boom and I were filming. Boom put his entire life out there to help me and my cause which is truly admirable and I will be forever grateful to him. (Check out his blog too, by the way, the man is an excellent writer) My other roommates opened up their lives as well just so that this project was able to happen and not to mention the other 2 couples who also shared their stories on the show. Just for the record. I have no idea who they are or what their stories entail but I admire you as well. This was a uber hard topic and anyone who was willing to out something this personal on national tv definitely gets my respect. Thank you for sharing your stories! MTV chose to do this taboo of a topic and they also get my respect. Even if IC is not mentioned or Vulvodynia doesn’t make the cut…my story was still about painful sex from a CHRONIC PELVIC PAIN patient angle. It may seem like an umbrella but ya know what kids? As long as the world gets to see that Chronic Pelvic Pain reeks havoc on all of our lives in many different ways regardless of the condition that causes the CPP I’m totally ok with that and it’s a start. We can only get bigger from here! Don’t forget that! The Back Fence bar did us a huge favor by helping us out with the venue for the opening night fundraiser…donations are definitely going to be flowing that night which was my goal from the jump!

I am so excited to be able to donate money to some of the best organizations out there…if you didn’t know where the money is going I shall tell you now.

Interstitial Cystitis Association- http://www.ichelp.org

Interstitial Cystitis Network- http://www.ic-network.com

National Vulvodynia Association- http://www.nva.com

If you haven’t heard about these places please check them out…you’ll see immediately why I want the money to go to them. It’ll be put to guaranteed good use.

So now that I rambled on with my thank you’s I’m going to get back into how i’m feeling at the moment….

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

excitement, terror, nervousness, gratitude, elation, and  humility are just a few of the emotions that keep raging through my body which I guess is ok considering everything that’s going on. It’s totally safe to say that my emotional stability is going through a plethora of uneducated madness. Do this, call this person, stop eating, realize that this is real, hide, seek, smile, laugh, send invites, write blogs, it’s like my thought process is on warp speed and is definitely not able to complete a thought for the life of me.  But i’ll deal.

I am excited that it is finally here..excited that we all managed to pull this off and excited that this may be the beginning of our awareness campaign. My thoughts are terrorized by the fact that I feel like I have the entire world on my shoulders right now and that everyone is counting on me to ensure certain conditions get more play than others. I am nervous to see what kind of image is going to be portrayed on this show and if I’m going to need to go in hiding for awhile until people can wrap their heads around what we all go through lol. I am so f’in grateful for everyone’s continued support and love. If it wasn’t for you all I may have gone into hiding awhile ago…(which would’ve been interesting because I’m definitely that person that may have the best hiding spot but is still talking so everyone finds me in the end anyway) Elated is not even the best way to describe how I feel when I think about what this could mean for the CPP patient. We have to fight for this…I will for as long as I need to. At the end of it all…I’m just me. I have no ulterior motives and all I want is help for everyone who is suffering. I want you all to be able to live happy, pain free, lives and if I can help with that in anyway..I got your back.

So once again I say AHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. How the hell did Dec 6th get here so quick? And how much Xanax can I take before my brain turns to mush? And what if I look like a total asshole? And ya know what…I need to calm my ass down and just smile. We did it. Regardless of how anyone looks..it’s a start. I know I can hack it. You guys got my back? I don’t even know why I panicked to begin with. I got this. We got this.  Just smile.

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