I have always been a pretty humble individual. Never one for rubbing shit in people’s faces or trapsing around flaunting shiny new things all over the town..mostly because I really don’t like to make people feel like shit but also because I never really had too much to rub in people’s faces in the first place. The way I always looked at it is that someone is always better at something that someone else…and someone else is always worse at something than the next person. The truth is, we are all good at our own things and we all suck at our own things. It’s a matter of how we react to each person’s differences that make us the king of douchbagastan or a generally understanding person. It can really go either way. I always chose to not run around screaming about the things I was good at….unless it was talking or any other form of word vomit that comes out of my face. That I will claim and run around doing… Always. Clearly….Have you met me?
I can’t help it.
But where I’m going with this is that I don’t know if I’ve ever been so unbelievably proud of something that I felt I had to run around and tell everyone about it. Some may call me out on that one and say that I blabbed about the MTV show, and I did. But, it wasn’t for the purpose of bragging about my own experience on that one…it was a matter of trying to get money raised for IC organizations and people to recognize that these conditions do , in fact, exist. So with that being said, there really hasn’t been much that I’ve enjoyed rubbing in people’s faces. I also have a really hard time expressing happiness around those who are having a really hard time at the moment. I feel that even though the people who are going through shitshows may love you dearly and support you they don’t really want to hear about what’s going good in your life. Not because they don’t care but because it’s too hard for them to deal with right then… It’s not a dick move and it’s not because they secretly hate you. It’s just that at the end of it all we’re all human and shit hurts. We get jealous. We tend to resent. We sometimes even go so far as to subconsciously wish bad on others who are having a good go of things. Some of you may sit here and say that people that do this are assholes. That the jealous, resenting, ill wishers aren’t real friends or don’t care about anyone but themselves, but the truth is that sometimes a good person has so much bad shit happen to them that at the end of the day their heart is still in tact but every emotion that can still find its way out of the brain and into the world is a bitter jaded bitch. It’s unfortunate. It’s unintentional. And it’s really hard to have an aspect of your life fuck up every single day without getting a single moment of downtime to catch up, process the shitshow, learn how to deal, and get over it before the next round of giardia ridden bullshit explodes right into your eyes. I don’t blame people for this. Hell, I’ve done it. I’ve been that person. Maybe that’s why I’m so understanding of the mindset here..whether intentional or totally on purpose. That’s one of the reasons why I’ve been in hiding. Just one. All of you miserable bastards better not go getting your damn hopes up that my hiatus was solely because of your bitterness. There are other reasons involved here as well. I just had to touch on this one first because it’s the one that gets misconstrued the most.
The next “excuse” (cuz i’m sure that’s what you’ll all call it anyway lol) on my list of things to touch base on about why I fell off goes a lil’ somethin like this. I have never been truly happy..and if I was I was too busy wondering when the so called “happy” was going to shit out and die to even realize that I may have been even a lil’ happy because at the end of the day I’m a pessimistic asshole. So therefore, I have never truly been truly happy. Get it? Ok…
This happy shit…new to the Taliverse and it baffles me….Why?
A. I don’t know how to handle it properly.
B. I don’t know if i’m allowed to feel this way… every time I get a bit of happy some other part of the Taliverse falls apart and creates a hole in a parallel universe. My acceptance of good things = a downfall of other things. I’m a jinx to my own life. Always.
C. I’m still not entirely sure my being happy is real. I mean that in a sense of that I’m not sure that I’m not dreaming. Or that it’s not like the movie repo men and I’ve just suffered a massive brain injury by a meat hook and my best friend has hooked me up to a perfect dream system for the rest of my vegetative state and it’s all in my mush brain dream cycle.
D. It’s taking me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I do deserve to be happy and that I shouldn’t feel guilty about it ..Well…shouldn’t feel guilty if I’m really not dreaming and all of this newly found happy shit is real at least.
That last one has to be the hardest. I mean you’ve clearly read the first 2 paragraphs of this lil “hey i’m back” piece (unles you’re one of those fucking weirdos who skips to the middle of an article just to get to the climax…and in that case. you’re a bunch of lazy asshats) and you’ve read that I don’t like to flaunt any newfound happiness around but now on the same hand when I realize that I’m not dreaming and there is some amazing shit going on in my life right now I feel that I do deserve to happy and that I shouldn’t feel guilty talking about it or telling you people why I’ve been missing in action. It’s a hard thing to balance. And, I feel like it makes me seem just a bit hypocritical. I hate that. I truly do. But, I don’t know how else to do it because this is all new to me. I’m learning here…so please try to be just a bit less judgmental than you all usually are.
I guess i’ll just get into where the hell I’ve been…I’ll tell you as much as I can in as little as I can without trying to seem like a cunt-satchel who is rubbing shit in just because I can. What’s been going on in the Taliverse is uber important to me and it’s only fair that I share. Afterall, I never hold back and lord knows that i’m an open book when it comes down to what’s going on and how I really feel about things. Some of you may actually give a shit where I’ve been and some of you could give a fuck less and are just reading on because it’s going to give you something to talk shit about over facebook chat tonight. I don’t care which category you fall in. If you give a shit…thanks. If you don’t…just make sure that you’re shit talking later is up to par. If you’re going to do something…commit fully and be confident in your choice. I hate when people only jump halfway in the pool before screaming their way out because the water was too cold on their ass cheeks. Man up kids. man up.
I fell in love…
I got engaged….
I’m planning a wedding…
And apparently turning into a real girl along the way….
I’m so unbelievably happy I disgust myself….
I’m being selfish in that I spend every extra moment that I can with this man and honestly nothing else really matters right now (except figuring out the new onslaught of medical problems that have plagued my reproductive system) …
I don’t want to think about sad things or bad things or jinxy things or music things or family things or animal things…No time for career things or drama things or laundry things or shower things.
I just want to sit here and freakin’ enjoy being truly happy for once. I want to not feel guilty about it. I’m trying my best to not feel guilty about writing this post but a lil bit still sneaks in there and kicks me right in the jugular for feeling like rubbing it in.
I haven’t been around…I know. Not because I don’t want to be involved anymore. Not because I don’t care about the cause. Not because of blah blah blah . Only because I wanted to sit here and take it all in. Soak up the only good thing going on right now…there are shitshows that hit me every single day but all of a sudden it doesn’t seem so bad anymore because I have someone to share it with. I deserve to enjoy that. After all of the shit that I have had to be the “tough guy” through during my entire life I realize that if all of that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be the person I am now and I wouldn’t have been in the right place at the right time to meet the person I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I would go through absolutely every ounce of shit that I have gone through during the past 15 years over and over again if he was the end result and you’d never hear a complaint out of my mouth (hard to believe I know).
So, I am sorry that I’ve been so neglectful. And I’m sorry if this rubs people the wrong way. But, I’ve been hiding in my happy. Away from anything that could possibly bring that happy down a few notches. I wanted it to stay right at the uber ridiculous happy level it was at. So I hid.
I wish for everyone to find that something that makes them this happy. Whether it be a dog, a book, another human being (no matter the sex). …EVERYONE derserves to be happy. No matter what mistakes you’ve made in your life as long as you’ve accounted for them and acknowledged that you fucked up and tried to rectify.
Afterall, life is about learning from your past and not letting shitty history control your future. It’s a fucking hard thing to do but my god, if you can do it… DO IT and fucking DO IT WELL. It changes everything.